What makes it so difficult to be in a relationship with a narcissist?
To the outside world you may live the perfect life, but behind closed doors it can be a very different picture. Interpersonal abuse tends to be linked with physical violence, but emotional warfare, while difficult to spot, can actually be more psychologically damaging. And yet despite your best efforts nothing seems to work to maintain those harmonious wonderful times you can experience with the narcissist. These relationships can be so confusing, frustrating and even dangerous. Narcissistic abuse in interpersonal relationships tends to follow a typical cycle of idealisation, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering.
Understanding this cycle is crucial, as it reveals the narcissist’s manipulative behaviour, and helps you to recognise that it was never your fault, and the relationship was never based on mutual respect or genuine love.
Idealisation:
In the love bombing phase, the narcissist idealises you, showering you with praise, attention, and affection. A manipulative strategy designed to seduce you and distract from noticing the red flags, this can make you feel so special, valued and deeply connected.
Devaluation:
Once the narcissist feels secure, no matter what you do, they will devalue you. Criticism, subtle digs, blame, and emotional manipulation start to rear their ugly heads. The narcissist pulls you down, undermining your self-esteem; fearing insecure in the relationship you become dependent on their approval.
Discarding:
Finally, the narcissist may discard you when you are no longer of use to them as a good source of narcissist supply (eg you start to assert your boundaries, call them out on their abuse), or quite simply (and most commonly) when they have found a new source of narcissistic supply which they always will. It’s not unusual for this phase to come without any warning even after seemingly happy times together, leaving you totally bewildered, confused and devastated. An alternative strategy that may play out is the reverse discard, where the narcissists behaviour is so truly unbearable you feel compelled to reject them – but in reality that was their game plan all along. Its an easy way and serves
them well for their victim pity party.
Hoovering:
Should the victim try to leave or at least distance themselves, or the narcissist fears losing control over them, the narcissist will try to suck their victims back in. And so the cycle restarts again from the love bombing stage.
These cycles can perpetuate indefinitely in some cases. The narcissist often circling back like a bird of prey. The cycle only stops when you decide it finally has to end, and you reclaim yourself and ultimately your life. But for many, this liberation can be extremely difficult. Even once you have successfully freed yourself, overcoming the effects of narcissist abuse is never easy.
