What Is Trauma Bonding?
A person can be trauma bonded to their partner if they struggle in their relationship, and or find it hard to leave an abusive partner. It is particularly common in toxic relationships, especially with narcissists. Trauma bonds can occur where abusive behaviour is followed by acts of kindness, sacrifice, and affection and then the cycle repeats continuously. It can be extremely confusing to be caught in this relationship dynamic, because the abuse always goes hand-in-hand with love and intimacy. This problem is especially likely if you are empathic and your narcissist partner plays on their victim mentality to manipulate your sympathy. This phenomena has been likened to Stockholm Syndrome, first recognised where bank robbers hostages fell in love with their captors.
How does it start?
In the beginning, (the idealisation phase), the victim is showered with attention, compliments, gifts, and promises for the future. But this seductive phase never lasts. And once things turn toxic there can be a strong desire to return this golden period, thereby strengthening the trauma bond.
Why do victims stay?
Remaining in a toxic relationship can be so confusing. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, abuse survivors typically considered their partner displayed “perfect” or “wonderful” behaviour 90% of the time, so only 10% of their time together was problematic.
But it is the overall “good” behaviour that allows the bond to form in the first place. Then as things play out some days are wonderful, others are hell. Intermittent reinforcement evidenced by this powerful push-pull cycle plays a powerful role in the development and maintenance of a trauma bond.
Cognitive dissonance makes it hard to recognise what’s going on. You could so easily justify the person’s behaviour making excuses for them, such as “oh they’re just having a bad day” or even blaming yourself in some way. You might even get caught up on the idea of trying to help fix them despite their abusive behaviour.
How the abuser can keep you stuck
A toxic person uses fear, obligation, and guilt to keep you in their grasp. Repeated gaslighting can you feel its not safe for you to express your feelings and have your needs met. You may be criticised, humiliated and belittled. In an unhealthy relationship may feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”; fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing in case it ignites your partner’s fury or displeases them in some way. What makes things even more confusing is you can be treated reasonably well by the toxic person at times, then suddenly, you are treated horribly and even blamed for this. The more you try to break free or assert your boundaries and command respect, the more you are guilted and shamed. But the
longer you stay, the more the abusive behaviour can even be normalised.
Psychological warfare
It can be difficult to relax under such unpredictable conditions, you become hypervigilant for danger, your brain reacting not unlike the way prey reacts to a predator. And longer term subjected to continued stress like this can generate PTSD and even chronic health conditions.
The body knows the score
As these difficulties continue, your body tries to tell you that you are in danger. You may have physical reactions to being near them, or having them touch you. Your skin may crawl, or you feel sick to your stomach. Fear can be misinterpreted as excitement. You find yourself drawn to this person but can’t fathom why, as you certainly don’t like some of the things they say and do.
Remaining silent
Covering for an abuser’s unhealthy behaviours is not uncommon. Some of the Stockholm bank hostages remained fiercely loyal to their captors. Remaining silent about their abuse can continue even after you have left the relationship, due to shame, feeling like no one will
believe you, or fear of punishment for example.
Trying to leave the abuser
Once the victim is devalued they are either discarded or the reverse discard occurs, where the abuser’s behaviour encourages the victim to end the relationship. But quite often the idealisation, devalue, discard, hoover cycle is then repeated until the victim finally leaves.
But leaving your abuser can be so very difficult. Being unwilling to leave the situation or break your bond with your partner despite their abuse can also be another sign of trauma bond.
The aftermath
Even when you successfully leave the relationship you may find yourself still thinking incessantly about them when you are caught up in the grip of a trauma bond. Whether the person is a former spouse, intimate partner, relative, or friend, you may find it hard not to think about them or fantasise about being with or around them again despite their abuse. It can be quite distressing to get entangled like this. And really hard to free yourself without falling into the same trap with somebody else over and over again. Its vital to learn how this happened to you and what made you so vulnerable to the abuse in the first place.
